Newborns are shockingly hard to photograph: Like every new mom, I photograph my baby’s every move. It took me about five seconds to realize that my newborn is not here to be a tiny model for my iPhone photoshoots. I soon learned that I must be content with my child looking like an adorable drunk in half my photos. Kudos to newborn photographers, I don’t know how you do it…
The resting b*tch face I cultivated in NYC comes in handy when taking my baby out in public: Nothing brings humanity together like a sweet little baby. But I would rather strangers not touch or come within 5 feet of my child, thank you VERY much. Yes, I am talking to you crazy lady who’s been following us around the grocery store. This isn’t a petting zoo, get away (insert death stare).
Newborns are hard work: Everyone says babies are a lot of work, but they fail to specify exactly what that means. Climbing Mount Everest is a lot of work, resisting the urge to eat 5 doughnuts a day is a lot of work, what makes babies so special? Well, babies are a lot of work because they are time and mess ninjas. Even though they can’t walk, talk, or really do much of anything besides quietly judge you all day, they are incredibly messy and time consuming. You read all this stuff about how newborns sleep 18 hours a day. Yet despite all this sleeping my daughter is doing I haven’t showered since Friday and I quietly praise myself when I eat lunch before 5pm.
Well, that’s because those 18 hours of sleep are dividing into two hour blocks — and the two hours when she is asleep are utter chaos. Here’s the thing, once I get my girl to sleep, I look around and realize that somehow the baby mess ninja has destroyed the living room. I’m not sure how, she never left the couch, but the living room is definitely destroyed and now must be cleaned because we do have cleanliness standards to uphold, people. Oh, and I can’t forget that I need to pump in 15 minutes, then fix the baby’s next bottle, and shoot I can’t forget to put her laundry in the dryer so she has clean jammies tonight, and crap! there are no clean bottles so I better wash them and — BAM, two hours are up, girlfriend. The tiny bosslady is awake and it’s time to go back to work. See? Time/mess ninjas!
You actually don’t need as much sleep as you thought you did. Right? Right?!: I am very serious about my sleep. I take sleep incredibly seriously and expect those around me to respect my needs. My tiny bosslady also takes her sleep very seriously, but we’re not quite on the same page with timing. I would like to sleep at night (all night). She would like to sleep all day. Ultimately she wins because she is the boss, but day sleep is not as much fun as night sleep.
Newborns are as boring as they are adorable: People don’t talk about the newborn boring factor because everyone likes to shroud new motherhood in a veil of magical joy and happiness. The truth is, newborns are pretty boring. They don’t do anything. They just lay there, and eat, and cry, and have their diaper changed. I might try to sing or do a silly dance or talk to my baby about
the Kardashians the upcoming presidential election, but she is like — ‘Get away, crazy. If you don’t have food I don’t have time’. On the plus side, I have always enjoyed staring. So I do get to sit and stare at my baby all day. But for the most part, my daughter is like a really adorable potted plant that I love deeply. This is fine, because I know her boring ways are not forever. I’ll be missing these quiet days when she’s two and throwing a tantrum in the middle of Kroger.
Newborns are even cuter when their yours: I have always liked babies. Babies and puppies are my jam. I love them. When you have your own baby you pretty much think your child is the most adorable thing ever to grace the planet with his/her amazingness. You want the universe to thank you for blessing them with such a nugget of fabulousness. I think everything my daughter does is the cutest thing ever and therefore must be photographed. As we outlined above, she doesn’t do much so I have about 40,000 photos of her sleeping. But these sleeping photos are necessary and precious keepsakes for posterity. This level of cuteness must be documented for future generations.
Fashion blogging with a newborn is challenging: Getting both myself and my daughter outside on any given day is a feat. You have to pack all of the baby things, and make sure she isn’t crying/napping/hungry. Also it is 3,000 degrees outside. So, like the VIP that she is, she is usually swept straight from our air conditioned apartment to an air conditioned car. This makes shooting outfit posts a bit of a challenge. Oh, and I also never get dressed. So there’s that. But I’m slowly getting a routine down with her. Things WILL return to normal soon.